ACCUSATIONS at the general Poetic Masses hereabouts, TorF?

You do not Duel because...

you despise Mahayr.	4.2%	[ 1 ]
you despise someone else in here.	12.5%	[ 3 ]
you are, as accused, CHICKEN!	8.3%	[ 2 ]
it is beneath you, you are just that good. BUT too chicken to prove it.	0.0%	[ 0 ]
you have too much on your plate for lowly duels, and are CHICKEN!	4.2%	[ 1 ]
there is not enough to be gained, you are greedy.	25.0%	[ 6 ]
Other... post your own answer.	45.8%	[ 11 ]
Total Votes:			[ 24 ]

[Kiria Delusional Kitty]

Yay! I look forward to it, Adi!

[The Love Mutt]

FYI- I-495 is a highway

This is for my duel with Ed.. not sure where the info is... I'll edit the post when i find it? (sorry Maman!!!!)

Quote:

Neurovan

sixteen thousand miles
and i am still no further
than yesterday's dream

where have i gone but
rethinking 'round rotaries,
writing a poem

categorizing
cacophony in my thoughts-
bumper to bumper

cracking open the
jaws of life, mangled up in
the mentality

the mindset, the crumble
wrenched frozen in the guardrail,
mInd-495

[Pensive Cliffhanger]

Thanks so much for doing this for us. ^^ I think I`m gonna have to skip to the end and see who won first to ease off the tension and read your lovely text after. ^^;; I don`t think my heart could take it otherwise. x3 No hard feelings either way though. The feet already made up for any losses. =3

[Adimurti]

Fanciful Cerberus...v...Kiria Delusional Kitty ............................................ Judgement


Challenger: Kiria Delusional Kitty
Defender: Fanciful Cerberus
Judge: Adimurti
Type of duel: Flash Duel - 24 Hours From Time of Enguard! post.
Bet: 10k
Form: Free-Verse
Subject: The Full Moon

Fanciful Cerberus

My feet dip above me
Tentatively, into crisp ebon waters
Where iracongi swarm
In brilliant bio-luminescence
Around an iridescent pearl.
That fanciful wish caresses my sub-conscience
Drawing my yearnings deep into the stream
Summoning false ignorance into my musings

To swim among those pestilent beings
Tickling death against my skin
Would delight my naive desires;
A single chance to stroke
The ivory shell of that pearl,
Only shown to me at glimpses.
If I could but wrest that milky orb
From the mouth of that ethereal/Ethral clam (I'm not sure which this should have been)
And have it in its fullness for my own.

Dipping my feet
Basking in the chill
Of the sky`s current
Marvelling at all that is
Below me, above me
I wish only reprieve
For my weighted soul.

ǝnbıʇıɹɔ ǝɥʇ: Cerberus, Cerberus, Cerberus. What can I say? You surprised the hell out of me with this piece. I didn't know what to expects with you, seeing as this is the first time I've ever seen you on Gaia, but I didn't expect such a connection as pearls and jellyfish to come from you. It worked brilliantly for a metaphoric image and it was an image that I enjoyed. I also enjoy the edits you made - I don't know what happened but your structure (for the piece and in parts the grammar) improved, so that was also nice to see. Now, praise done, onto the criticism. The grammar was incredibly distracting and because of the lack of punctuation I found myself reading some lines three of four times before the flow of the lines was clear to me. When it comes to grammar, write how you would say it if you were going to rhyme the poem off from the top of your head to someone. The grammar didn't add anything, to me, so I think it would have been better with more contemporary, less tampered sentence structure. Make sure you spell/grammar check your poem before submitting it anywhere. Even if you're just looking for feedback, spelling and grammar are important for creating a good first impression - it says "Look, I know the basics, lemme show you what else I can do with language". The poem was stronger when you first started. I thought that from about two thirds through, I wasn't offered anything more than what you'd already shown me. Now, the first portion wasn't bad at all, don't get me wrong, but you're shooting yourself in the foot by carrying on without having much substance to back up what you're producing, it kind of waters down what you've already given us which, more than anything, is a shame. Finally, don't be scared to hammer some description home to the reader. The image of stars as jellyfish and the moon as a pearl is great, but not everyone is going to know what you mean by 'iracongi' - describe them to the readers. You've got modifiers that work, but I would really like to see a little more with parts of this. Compare things like the jellyfishes' pulsing motions to the stars' pulsing light, the colour, the movement - don't just give us the idea, give us the whole damn scene and force us to see things as you are.
biggrin

Kiria Delusional Kitty

Midsummer

The gravid moon, swollen
with summer, births constellations
of fireflies to adorn the night that breathes
warmth and humidity
with the throbbing, pulsating promise
of life. The air is drenched
in jasmine and stardust, and the moon-path
stretches silver across the gently rippling water.
Frog-song floats delicately
from the shore, and the chirr of the cicadas
ceases with our passing
as we slip silently down the stairs
to gather jars of moonlight
from the lake.

ǝnbıʇıɹɔ ǝɥʇ: Kiria! Your writing seems to get some form of nostalgia going in me, and this wasn't much different. The imagery wasn't blinding, but at the same time I don't think it really needed to be here. There's some parts I think you could have gone into more to peak the originality or interest in them (highlighted in blue) and (in red) a couple of words I think could be altered to improve the grammar/flow, but it was a nice, descriptive and sombre piece. The only thing I think this piece needs is elaborating on the few parts I felt need a little more description, they just aren't as strong as I think you could have them. It was almost like with Cerberus' piece - I got the idea but the scene was partly left to me.



ʇuǝɯǝƃpnɾ ǝɥʇ: This was harder than I expected. Cerberus, you really brought it to the table with this and for that I hereby declare I'm gonna protect the new kid from any bullying. scream
Kiria, you managed to create a beautiful scene in a short piece, and the note you ended on honestly left me feeling like some fairy-tale stricken child.

Both ideas were good and strong in their own ways, so the only thing I have to make this decision on (unfortunately) is the technicalities. I declare that Kiria Delusional Kitty wins in poetic battle, from her flow and structure within the piece.

(Sorry Cerberus, you honestly did shock/impress the hell out of me with that though. Our duel has just been made very interesting)
xd

[Adimurti]

Cerberus: I feel the need to point out: my crit looks really negative (what with the sheer volume). It's not, it's just this is the first time I've critted your work and I like to avoid offending people by explaining myself until I think you'll realise I'm not being an arse and know what I mean when I suggest things. biggrin

heart

[Adimurti]

Duel

Challenger: The Love Mutt
Defender: knight_of_chivalry
Bet: 5k
Type of Duel: Regular
Judge: Adimurti
Form: Linked Haiku/Senryu
Subject: Open

Expect judgement being posted tomorrow. Are critiques wanted with these?

[Pensive Cliffhanger]

Adimurti

Cerberus: I feel the need to point out: my crit looks really negative (what with the sheer volume). It's not, it's just this is the first time I've critted your work and I like to avoid offending people by explaining myself until I think you'll realise I'm not being an arse and know what I mean when I suggest things. biggrin

heart

^^ Tis okay. Since you kinda donated the item I was questing I have no reason to be financially disappointed (particularly since my friend just gave me a random 15k) and you were obviously pleasantly surprised. I love impressing people, and even more so when they`re shocked. x3

I 'friend list' you now. >=D

As for our duel, we`ll have to see. I`ve never done anything like that before, so we`ll have to see how my style translates over.

(Would you consider giving crit on a short I`m entering in a writing contest?)

[Adimurti]

Fanciful Cerberus

Adimurti

Cerberus: I feel the need to point out: my crit looks really negative (what with the sheer volume). It's not, it's just this is the first time I've critted your work and I like to avoid offending people by explaining myself until I think you'll realise I'm not being an arse and know what I mean when I suggest things. biggrin

heart

^^ Tis okay. Since you kinda donated the item I was questing I have no reason to be financially disappointed (particularly since my friend just gave me a random 15k) and you were obviously pleasantly surprised. I love impressing people, and even more so when they`re shocked. x3

I 'friend list' you now. >=D

As for our duel, we`ll have to see. I`ve never done anything like that before, so we`ll have to see how my style translates over.

(Would you consider giving crit on a short I`m entering in a writing contest?)

PM it me and I'll look over it tomorrow, after judging Kinght and Lovie's duel. whee

And cool, I'll accept once I get the friendship request.

You should keep duelling. It's a good way to improve (or in my case, break through a writers' block), and it keeps you on your toes too. biggrin

[Pensive Cliffhanger]

Adimurti

Fanciful Cerberus

Adimurti

Cerberus: I feel the need to point out: my crit looks really negative (what with the sheer volume). It's not, it's just this is the first time I've critted your work and I like to avoid offending people by explaining myself until I think you'll realise I'm not being an arse and know what I mean when I suggest things. biggrin

heart

^^ Tis okay. Since you kinda donated the item I was questing I have no reason to be financially disappointed (particularly since my friend just gave me a random 15k) and you were obviously pleasantly surprised. I love impressing people, and even more so when they`re shocked. x3

I 'friend list' you now. >=D

As for our duel, we`ll have to see. I`ve never done anything like that before, so we`ll have to see how my style translates over.

(Would you consider giving crit on a short I`m entering in a writing contest?)

PM it me and I'll look over it tomorrow, after judging Kinght and Lovie's duel. whee

And cool, I'll accept once I get the friendship request.

You should keep duelling. It's a good way to improve (or in my case, break through a writers' block), and it keeps you on your toes too. biggrin

^^ Thanks. I`ll have to pm it over tomorrow. I`m not typing 1,000 words worth of text on this wii. -.-

Actually, I`m more into writing prose than poetry. x3 The reason my piece transformed was my determination after reading Kiria`s poem. Cliche, perhaps, but true. Still, I think it was pretty good considering I`m still in highschool. x3

[Kiria Delusional Kitty]

Hey, good job Cerberus! It was a pleasure dueling you. 3nodding Please do stick around with us and keep dueling! That's partly how I got where I am.

Adi, thanks for the comments! I'll see what I can come up with. Constellations of fireflies, stardust and the chirr of the cicadas.

[Adimurti]

Kiria Delusional Kitty

Hey, good job Cerberus! It was a pleasure dueling you. 3nodding Please do stick around with us and keep dueling! That's partly how I got where I am.

Adi, thanks for the comments! I'll see what I can come up with. Constellations of fireflies, stardust and the chirr of the cicadas.

No worries. I think that those parts could just be more original and interested. I just expect more from you. blaugh

[Adimurti]

Fanciful Cerberus

Adimurti

Fanciful Cerberus

Adimurti

Cerberus: I feel the need to point out: my crit looks really negative (what with the sheer volume). It's not, it's just this is the first time I've critted your work and I like to avoid offending people by explaining myself until I think you'll realise I'm not being an arse and know what I mean when I suggest things. biggrin

heart

^^ Tis okay. Since you kinda donated the item I was questing I have no reason to be financially disappointed (particularly since my friend just gave me a random 15k) and you were obviously pleasantly surprised. I love impressing people, and even more so when they`re shocked. x3

I 'friend list' you now. >=D

As for our duel, we`ll have to see. I`ve never done anything like that before, so we`ll have to see how my style translates over.

(Would you consider giving crit on a short I`m entering in a writing contest?)

PM it me and I'll look over it tomorrow, after judging Kinght and Lovie's duel. whee

And cool, I'll accept once I get the friendship request.

You should keep duelling. It's a good way to improve (or in my case, break through a writers' block), and it keeps you on your toes too. biggrin

^^ Thanks. I`ll have to pm it over tomorrow. I`m not typing 1,000 words worth of text on this wii. -.-

Actually, I`m more into writing prose than poetry. x3 The reason my piece transformed was my determination after reading Kiria`s poem. Cliche, perhaps, but true. Still, I think it was pretty good considering I`m still in highschool. x3

I'll be honest, I know more about poetry than prose. xp

And yeah, that's understandable. Just PM me whenever you're ready. smile

[Zeo]

Challenger: Fanciful Cerberus
Defender: Viktor kishka
Judge I prefer: Zeo
Type of duel: Regular
Bet: 200 gold
Form: Free-Verse Poetry
Subject: photosynthesis

Enguarde!

[Adimurti]

Ed/Lovie: Sorry I didn't get the judging done last night. Headache took over and sitting at the PC really didn't seem all that appealing. I'll get it done tonight. heart

[Adimurti]

The Love Mutt...v...knight_of_chivalry ..................................................... Judgement

Challenger: The Love Mutt
Defender: knight_of_chivalry
Judge: Adimurti
Type of duel: Regular Duel
Bet: 5k
Form: Linked Haiku/Senryu
Subject: Open

The Love Mutt

sixteen thousand miles
and i am still no further
than yesterday's dream

where have i gone but
rethinking 'round rotaries,
writing a poem

categorizing
cacophony in my thoughts-
bumper to bumper

cracking open the
jaws of life, mangled up in
the mentality

the mindset, the crumble
wrenched frozen in the guardrail,
mInd-495

ǝnbıʇıɹɔ ǝɥʇ: Now, I stalked your thread when getting crits on this, so I don't need to ask why sixteen-thousand miles specifically. xd The only problem I have with that is it's very writer specific and there isn't enough following it to tell me why you chose a specific number and having such a specific number kind of confused me before I saw why you chose to go with it, so maybe explain with the following lines or try to go with something more relative for your readers? I think your first stanza could have been stronger - mainly because I've seen stronger from you before. The first line sparked interest because I wanted to know where the number came from, but the reference to yesterday's dreams wasn't as refreshing as I'd expect. I think you could have been a little more aesthetic in parts too (mainly the first two stanzas; the first with dreams and the second going further into the rotary idea). All the same, it was a nice read and the context and some of your ideas interested me - I just think the beginning could have been stronger.

knight_of_chivalry

We freeze together
like chaos in a glass bottle,
like fish beneath ice.

We glide on water,
a sub-zero pilgrimage
by two Jesus fish.

In circles we go,
daring the ice to give way,
our gloved hands held tight.

Twisting and dancing
our feet carve two helixes
onto the surface:

we draw our futures
onto clearly melting waters,
smiling at the sun.

ǝnbıʇıɹɔ ǝɥʇ: I stalked your thread, too. wink The repetition of 'We [insert action]' was a little blatant, so I think you could re-word at least one (maybe 'we glide' since it's so close to the first mention). 'Gliding' and 'drawing' would be fine, because you aren't losing your syllable count, and from the first 'we freeze', it's apparent you're talking about yourself and another, so it just saves repeating it. That might just be personal preference, because as most people know I hate repetition in any form. xd I thought 'in circles we go' was a little awkward with the wording, I think because the grammar wasn't consistent with the previous lines/stanzas; 'we go [replace with more interesting synonym than go if desired] in circles' would be better I think. I liked the images and ideas (even though I was a little shocked at seeing you mention Jesus fish, not sure why, just was xp ).


ʇuǝɯǝƃpnɾ ǝɥʇ: I enjoyed both pieces, and liked how I never saw a stanza count specified but both of you went with five. blaugh Both had a different tone that suited each of them well, and had ideas that were interesting but still well in context - not to mention both of you handled the form well and stuck to it.

As always, this was difficult to judge and pick a winner - however I declare knight_of_chivalry triumphant in poetic battle! The decision was from knight managing to create a more vivid image despite the restrictions of the form.

Side-Note: Apologies but I had to delete your titles - Gaia's BBCode seems to be screwing up whenever quotes are involved.
stressed